Bill Sykes' Newsletter
from America.
(April 2003)
An ex-Brit gives his views-(without fear
or favor)---of the American Scene
A little light reading to take your minds off
the War.
The following document, which came from an anonymous
British source, should bring a smile to the face of British
Veterans who participated in Foreign Wars.
Subject: Call up Instructions
Call Up ( Ages 17 – 55 )
NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT
Under the Emergency Powers Act of 1939, as amended by
the Defence Act of 1978, and The Reserve Forces Act of
1986, you are hereby notified that you are required to
place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military
service in the forthcoming American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East
where you will join either the 3rd Battalion the Queen’s
Own Committed Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. The
regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses and guarding
airports to be there themselves
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal
of P&O to lend us any of their liners because of the
deplorable state in which they were returned after previous
adventures in the Falklands and the Gulf, it will be necessary
for you to make your own way to the combat zone. Her Majesties
Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on
one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly
urged to take advantage of this offer – Ryan Air
also do a nice little £9.99 trip for the first 27
customers.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent
years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself
with the following equipment as soon as possible:
· Combat Jacket
· Trousers ( preferably khaki – but, please
no denim)
· Tin Helmet
· Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
· Canteen ( for holding water, not a selection
of cutlery)
· Gas Mask
· Map of the combat zone (the Ordnance Survey 1:2,800
outdoor leisure map of Iraq will do)
· Rifle
· Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
· Waterproof plastic overalls (in case of nuclear
bio-chemical attack)
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like
you to buy a tank – Vickers Defence of Leeds are
offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all current
registration Chieftains, but hurry, as the offer is only
available whilst stocks last
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event
of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial
on or near the battlefield where you meet your Maker and
your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows
pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked
but subject to the means-testing and fully repayable should
our side lose
There may be little time for formal military training
before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos
of the following films and try to pick a few tips as you
watch:
· The Guns of Navarone
· Kelly’s Heroes
· A Bridge Too Far
· The Longest Day
· Apocalypse Now
· The Matrix
· Blazing Saddles
· The Desert Song
· Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch the film Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission, try reading
the works of Wilfrid Owen, Rupert Brookes or A.A. Milne.
This should give you some idea of what may be involved
Yours faithfully
Secretary of State for Defence. (If still a Cabinet Minister).
(A Bush/Blair Production) Sponsored by Mars, the official
snack of World War III.
We welcome feedback about any of the contents
of these newsletters. Please send all correspondence to
bill_sykes@huddersfield1.co.uk
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