Bill Sykes' Newsletter from America.
(Christmas 2002)
An ex-Brit gives his views-(without fear
or favor)---of the American Scene
As the year of 2002 ends, perhaps this will bring
a smile to your faces.
I’m sorry if the year’s news letters have
not been full of glad tidings of great joy—but I
can only call them as I see them from the world news media.
So please don’t blame all the world’s ills
on this poor innocent soul!!!
In penance I am including what I consider to be a humorous
item that came across my desk in the last few days. I’m
afraid that I do not know the author, but I hope that
this witty item, (true or false), will bring a smile across
the face of the reader.
The following is a composite answer sheet derived from
several 6th grade student history tests (11/12 years of
age), and is an insight into the minds of 6th graders.
Watch the spelling as some of the best humor is in the
misspelling.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they
all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of Sarah is such that all the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without
any ingredients. Moses went upon Mount Cyanide to get
the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached
Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without
them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also
had myths.
A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death he suffered
a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought that he was going to be made king. Dying, he
gasped out “Tee hee, Brutus”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized
by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen”.
As a Queens he was a success. When she exposed herself
to the troops they all shouted “hurrah”.
9). It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year1564, supposedly
on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because
of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies,
all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example
of a heroic couple, as Romeo’s last wish was to
be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
was Milton who wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died
and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration
of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backwards and eclared, “A horse
divided against itself cannot stand”. Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest
Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and
he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his
seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s
career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions
and had a large number of children. In between he practiced
on an old spinster which he kept up in the attic. Bach
died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks
in the forest even though everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of great many
thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing
by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention
of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up, Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper which
did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered
a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist
who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
If you believe all of this, do I have deal for you. I
have a bridge that you can buy. The famous Brooklyn Bridge!!!
We welcome feedback about any of the contents of these
newsletters. Please send all correspondence to bill_sykes@huddersfield1.co.uk
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