Bill Sykes' - In Retrospect
XIII.
(October 2008)
Bill
Sykes looks back in retrospect at material which has
been published in previous editions of "View from
America", in an attempt to determine whether the
subject matter written then is still applicable in
today’s world.
Article #13E
Leave them laughing as you go:
To lighten the rather depressing prior statements
I would like to introduce you to an article that came
across my desk this very morning after the Vice President
candidates Joe Biden and Sarah Palin had their one and
only debate, (thank goodness). Sarah Palin in my opinion,
did better in the debate than most people expected with
the exception that there were several times when the
moderator had to rebuke her for "skirting" around
and not answering some of the questions asked.
I consider that the following amusing article would appear to be applicable to
the choice by Presidential Contender John McCain of Sarah Palin as his running
mate.
The Post Turtle:
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Wyoming rancher
whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin
and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.' Not
being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across
a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.'
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she
doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind
of dumb ass put her up there to begin with.
Who says that the Brits don’t have a sense of humour.?
An updated version of the Queen of England’s, "Revocation
of the American Declaration of Independence", a document which was created
in the American Congress on the 4th of July 1776.
Note: An original version of this article was published in the
"Summer 2002, Newsletter" under
"Summer Addendum - Article #1".
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A message adapted and updated from a John Cleese piece of humor.
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of the strong possibility you are about to elect an elderly gentleman
with a bad temper and a lady who thinks she can run foreign policy because she
can see Russia from her house, as President and President-In-Waiting of the USA
and thus to risk life as we know it for everyone else on the planet, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not
fancy). She won't actually be in charge, but she'll greet foreign leaders as
necessary and not put her foot in it or vomit on anyone at dinner.
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without
the need for further elections. He will choose someone who does not have his
or her hand in the till and has significant experience in running big things. You
have not had one of them for almost a decade and trust me, it is a big plus.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. They have given away too much of your
money already to rescue incompetent business executives and soon your American
dollars will resemble Zimbabwean Dollars in total worthlessness. There
is no free lunch you know. Although we originally let you get away with
secession because King George was robbing you blind, recent events demonstrate
that your present leaders are doing much worse things and unfortunately you have
not noticed.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether more than half
of you still believe Saddam Hussein was behind 9-11. Information to the
contrary will again be provided by the rest of the world and we request you read
it this time and refrain from invading the wrong country ever again if you possibly
can.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated
letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national
anthem, God Save the Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. But we have a lot
of Bank Holidays you will enjoy instead.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things
out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable
peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) - roughly $9/US gallon. Get used to it. Your driving armoured
cars to buy groceries is unnecessary, boorish and killing the planet.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not
with catsup but with vinegar.
11. We will require that people running things, like your government, are at
least moderately competent and not related by blood or bribes to those who
benefit from their decisions. We know it makes you more cozy when your
leaders know as little as you do, but, honestly, it is short sighted: you
need doctors who know more about medicine, pilots who know more about flying
and leaders who know more about leading.
12. We respectfully request you give up this notion that politics is entertainment,
and that very complicated things can only be explained to you in less than fifteen
seconds. If you wanted to have a democracy, honestly, you'd really need
to have taken the time to understand things a bit more before you voted. And
may I suggest the startling notion that politicians don't need to look good to
do a good job? And it really is acceptable if they are a bit boring, so
long as they do their homework. It's especially important if evidently
you have not done yours. Poor old Al Gore. Poor old John Kerry. And by
the way, are you happy now you chose a Governor for California based on his teeth?
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest
sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching
Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis
will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
South Africans first in their country. The six out of ten of you who don't own
a passport will need to get one first.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated
to 1776). Although this will raise your taxes, remember that the Neo-conservatives
will no longer be robbing you blind and so your dollars will stop shrinking. Didn't
you know that inflation and government bailouts of huge companies were really
paid for by you? We must do something about your educational system. What
on earth is going on over there? Are you oblivious to the crushing debt
you are leaving your children? You might as well throttle them now.
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God Save the Queen. At least God won't instruct your President
to invade any more wrong countries.
Disclaimer:
Some of the information gathered for this news letter
has been gleaned from American and International
media sources, (Including the Internet), and as such
is quoted as accurately as possible. I try to obtain
confirmation on each subject from several outlets,
so the text is a mixture of composite news items
and my personal comments and therefore the reader
must make his/her own judgment as to the reliability
and degree of accuracy of the subjects discussed.
Eric (Bill) Sykes, (Southern California).
October 2008.
We welcome feedback about any of the contents
of these articles. Please send all correspondence
to bill_sykes@huddersfield1.co.uk
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