Shattered dreams, shattered life! - August 2000

Things aren't turning out the way they should. My life is being influenced by the inconsistencies of others and I am helpless to do anything about it. This means that I am feeling trapped again and looking for a way out! But I am in a maze and cannot find the exit. No signposts, no guides, no ball of string to follow.

How long is it now since I was the master of my own destiny? So long that it has vanished into the mists of time. And so I continue to exist but that is all. No optimism for the future, no enthusiasm for the future, no future!

Just stop and think about that for a moment.

I mean stop and put yourself into that kind of scenario!

Where your only friend is a PentiumII processor and you spend most of the night with it before going to work. Subconscious isolation. Becoming a habit? - you bet! How long before I totally cut myself off from humanity? Will humanity let me? Which is the stronger of the two?

No dreams, no aspirations, no ambitions, no future - just waiting for the big sleep. To lay down one night , close my eyes and never open them again. Sounds good to me.

But this will not be brought about artificially. I have no wish to leave behind a host of unanswered questions. Why? What did we do wrong? Could we have done anything to prevent it?
That's something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Am I not thoughtful? Ooops sarcasm again!

Am I just going through another phase of depression. If I am then it is lasting a long time. Also this is different from the usual downer in so far as I feel no desperation, only resignation.

Perhaps I will snap out of it but I have my doubts. It's so hard to climb out of the rut and I'm low on strength and motivation these days.

We will have to wait and see........