Becalmed and Bemused - Oct/Nov 2002
Empty days (daze) have been the order of the day for
the past few weeks, and it seems to be getting worse. Apathy is
rampant (is this statement a contradiction?). Even galvanising myself
to write this is a task that I find very hard to do.
My days are mainly spent either sitting at the computer,
sitting in an armchair or asleep. There are still household tasks
to perform such as washing the car, feeding myself, household cleaning,
etc, etc. These tasks are generally postponed (except for the more
My mind is, in essence, blank. The thoughts that pass
through it have no substance, have no logic path and, in most cases,
never reach a conclusion. Unconnected thoughts pop up into my mind
and then vanish with the same alacrity.
Slowly my life is slipping by without me realising the
passage of time. The amazing thing about it is that I JUST DON'T
Occasionally there are intrusions into this state of
catatonia - I use the word intrusions in a positive sense rather
than a negative one.
Because I write this 'diary' I occasionally get correspondence or
ICQ messages from people who sympathise or empathise with depression
and its consequences. I welcome those contacts, to me they are a
lifeline back to normality. So if you have made contact in any way
to Huddersfield One let me please take this opportunity to thank
you. I cannot mention you all but Bill, James, Joan, Tim, Angie,
Rose, Mary Beth, Andrew, etc, a big thank you. Also thank you to
my sister Christine and the rest of my family.
It's winter now. As I sit and look out of the window
at the skeletal trees, stripped bare by nature, I am reminded of
the lost beauty of summer. The world is now a very gray place. No
colour, no sunshine, no warmth. It's dark in the morning and dark
in the early evening. I think I can sympathise with the people who
Of course each season has its own wonders as well as its disasters
but somehow any positives of winter are quickly eclipsed or engulfed
by the negatives. Snow is beautiful and a sky full of snowflakes
or a tree dressed in snow is beautiful to behold. But after the
initial wonderment there are come the problems of travelling the
slippery roads or watching the pristine snow turn to dirty slush
and then cause flooding as it melts. Birds and animals find food
hard to forage for. Children are imprisoned within their homes except
when they make the snowmen. But even the snowmen must return to
their natural states forming grotesque gargoyles as they melt.
I am never bored, just depressed. I can remain inactive
for hours without any feelings of boredom. Am I waiting for some
major life event to happen? I can't really answer that. All I know
is that I have no ambitions, no targets, no lip-smacking anticipation
for the future.
In a sense I suppose I am waiting for my own demise and make no
effort to elongate my existence through the actions of healthy living.
So the question arises "why would you welcome death
when there are things that you still enjoy?".
Are there still things I enjoy?
You bet there are!
I enjoy seeing my granddaughter smile. I enjoy the love that my
children show me. I enjoy the first light of day on a warm summer
morning. I love the smell of freshly baked bread. I delight in driving
along the A68 between Darlington and Edinburgh. I enjoy the touch
of soft, warm flesh on my finger tips. I delight in the sound of
running water, whether it is a stream running down its course or
the waves being washed up on a beach. But somehow these things cannot
compensate for the feelings of dread and the ingrained acceptance
that life just isn't worth living.
As I sit here and write these words I can see something
of an anomaly. If there are still things I enjoy why do I feel that
I have no future, nothing to look forward to? As previously stated
the good times are eclipsed by the bad times but also there is no
appetite for the good things in life, no anticipation, no savouring
of the event after it has passed. Everything seems to be 'for the
moment'. I just take it as it comes and don't grieve when it has
I wish I could understand myself.............. but I
can't raise the energy to make the attempt. And I know that if I
identify with any of the text book definitions of a depressive there
will be something that makes a contradiction and leaves me with
a sense of frustration because I thought I had a glimpse of understanding
only to be blinded again.
According to others I am in decline. I smoke too much,
I drink too much, I don't get enough exercise, I have become insular.
My answer must be.......................... it is the only way I
can survive in this life.
Roll on Christmas...............................humbug!