Becalmed and Bemused - Oct/Nov 2002

Empty days (daze) have been the order of the day for the past few weeks, and it seems to be getting worse. Apathy is rampant (is this statement a contradiction?). Even galvanising myself to write this is a task that I find very hard to do.

My days are mainly spent either sitting at the computer, sitting in an armchair or asleep. There are still household tasks to perform such as washing the car, feeding myself, household cleaning, etc, etc. These tasks are generally postponed (except for the more obvious ones).

My mind is, in essence, blank. The thoughts that pass through it have no substance, have no logic path and, in most cases, never reach a conclusion. Unconnected thoughts pop up into my mind and then vanish with the same alacrity.

Slowly my life is slipping by without me realising the passage of time. The amazing thing about it is that I JUST DON'T CARE!

Occasionally there are intrusions into this state of catatonia - I use the word intrusions in a positive sense rather than a negative one.
Because I write this 'diary' I occasionally get correspondence or ICQ messages from people who sympathise or empathise with depression and its consequences. I welcome those contacts, to me they are a lifeline back to normality. So if you have made contact in any way to Huddersfield One let me please take this opportunity to thank you. I cannot mention you all but Bill, James, Joan, Tim, Angie, Rose, Mary Beth, Andrew, etc, a big thank you. Also thank you to my sister Christine and the rest of my family.

It's winter now. As I sit and look out of the window at the skeletal trees, stripped bare by nature, I am reminded of the lost beauty of summer. The world is now a very gray place. No colour, no sunshine, no warmth. It's dark in the morning and dark in the early evening. I think I can sympathise with the people who have S.A.D.
Of course each season has its own wonders as well as its disasters but somehow any positives of winter are quickly eclipsed or engulfed by the negatives. Snow is beautiful and a sky full of snowflakes or a tree dressed in snow is beautiful to behold. But after the initial wonderment there are come the problems of travelling the slippery roads or watching the pristine snow turn to dirty slush and then cause flooding as it melts. Birds and animals find food hard to forage for. Children are imprisoned within their homes except when they make the snowmen. But even the snowmen must return to their natural states forming grotesque gargoyles as they melt.

I am never bored, just depressed. I can remain inactive for hours without any feelings of boredom. Am I waiting for some major life event to happen? I can't really answer that. All I know is that I have no ambitions, no targets, no lip-smacking anticipation for the future.
In a sense I suppose I am waiting for my own demise and make no effort to elongate my existence through the actions of healthy living.

So the question arises "why would you welcome death when there are things that you still enjoy?".
Are there still things I enjoy?
You bet there are!
I enjoy seeing my granddaughter smile. I enjoy the love that my children show me. I enjoy the first light of day on a warm summer morning. I love the smell of freshly baked bread. I delight in driving along the A68 between Darlington and Edinburgh. I enjoy the touch of soft, warm flesh on my finger tips. I delight in the sound of running water, whether it is a stream running down its course or the waves being washed up on a beach. But somehow these things cannot compensate for the feelings of dread and the ingrained acceptance that life just isn't worth living.

As I sit here and write these words I can see something of an anomaly. If there are still things I enjoy why do I feel that I have no future, nothing to look forward to? As previously stated the good times are eclipsed by the bad times but also there is no appetite for the good things in life, no anticipation, no savouring of the event after it has passed. Everything seems to be 'for the moment'. I just take it as it comes and don't grieve when it has gone.

I wish I could understand myself.............. but I can't raise the energy to make the attempt. And I know that if I identify with any of the text book definitions of a depressive there will be something that makes a contradiction and leaves me with a sense of frustration because I thought I had a glimpse of understanding only to be blinded again.

According to others I am in decline. I smoke too much, I drink too much, I don't get enough exercise, I have become insular.
My answer must be.......................... it is the only way I can survive in this life.

Roll on Christmas...............................humbug!