Calm After The Storm- September 2002

On the 21st of August I was admitted to the Nuffield Hospital in Huddersfield as a guest of the National Health Service. The psychiatric wing of the Nuffield consisted of 6 beds, each in their own rooms and all en-suite. This was to be my home for the next 3 weeks and 2 days.

I was seen by a Doctor Britto who was to be my psychiatrist while I was in the hospital. After an initial interview I had my Clomipramine (See notes on Clomipramine here) dose upped from 200mg to 225mg and was also prescribed 400mg of Lithium (See notes on Lithium here).

Further treatment consisted of group therapy sessions almost every day. I found these to be very interesting and educational. Another discovery was that most of the patients on the psychiatric ward attributed the break up of there marriages to depression.

Day after day I sat in my room without moving, just staring into space and wondering how I had got there. I had no energy, no enthusiasm for the future, no appetite for life. But as the days progressed I experienced the same feelings of calm and relaxation that I had felt when I was a patient at The Retreat. Perhaps it is this isolation from the daily responsibilities that is therapeutic in its own right. What I found most impressive was the way that being in hospital acted in such a way as to offer me the peace that I couldn't find in the world at large. Impressive perhaps but also worrying about the possibility of me becoming institutionalised.

Outside of the group sessions there was no real contact between patients, well between myself and the other patients. It was as if they didn't exist. I put that down to the fact that everyone was too busy fighting their own demons and did not want to accept responsibility for anyone else's.

Upon my release from the Nuffield I was given a week's supply of medication and sent out into the wide world again. As soon as I could I contacted my GP to arrange for further supplies of the drugs I was taking. No problem! As a matter of fact I got a months supply, more than enough to attempt suicide with. It struck me as rather ironic actually.

I resumed with my counselling group and set about trying to lead as normal a life as I possibly could. There is no doubt that the stay in hospital had calmed me down a lot but at the same time it had not cured me. Nor had the Lithium had any beneficial effect. I told this to my psychiatrist and he told me to stop taking it but continue with the Clomipramine until our next appointment.

So as September passes into October and the leaves begin their autumnal dance I took stock of my situation (See The Story of Mr Leaf).
What has changed in the past year? I have had 365 days of negative feelings of which at least 40 have seen my mind in total chaos and despair. I have tried to commit suicide. I have been arrested or threatened with arrest on two occasions and have been sought by the police on one other occasion. I have spent a total of 4 weeks in hospital and have been treated by psychiatrists, clinical psychologists, GP's and counsellors. I have constipation, a dry and salty mouth, hand tremors and have put on weight. I have a low attention span and mentally cannot function in any semblance of logical order.
What conclusions can be drawn from these observations? You decide!