Rainy Daze - December 2000

It's been a long month and the seasonal climate only adds to the feeling of helplessness that is coursing through my veins at the moment. Whilst there has been an evenness of mood it appears to have levelled out at a particularly low base. Sensitivity comes with the blues and also a shortening of temper as the wounded animal bites back.

But any emotion is better than the numbness that has prevailed of late. Treading water can be one way of describing it. A total emotional numbness that is just as bad as a raging depression, especially when the warm, loving human being that inside of me can see what is happening but is powerless to do anything about it. Is this what a paraplegic feels about the body they live within? I doubt it very much but it is a thought.

Things continue to happen around me that I should be involved in but I just let it go. Too much hassle, too little interest. No doubt life will unravel as it should and in the vast scheme of things human beings are so trivial.

Even as I sit here, logically writing my thoughts down, I still feel so terribly lost and alone. Desolate like an oasis in a desert, like a storm-tossed ship in a vast ocean. Isolation. The UK band Joy Division had a great song called Isolation. If you get chance give it a whirl and listen to the lyrics. Didn't their lead singer, Ian Curtis, hang himself? Oh for the courage.

And if you are reading this Mr H please, no comments. Negativity will pass and numbness will return. Have no fear.

I seem to have upset a few people this month through words or deeds that have been said/done with the best of interests at heart. If any of you people are reading this then I do apologize but I didn't mean to hurt. And by hurting you I have only served to hurt myself. What you sow you reap! How true.

I sometimes try to think of positive thing to try to combat the depression but I can honestly say that, in my frame of mind, I cannot think of one positive thing. It is a terrible thing to have to say but it is true. Nothing. No aims, ambitions, wishes, dreams - well you get the picture I think. Nothing to look forward to but death itself. One long peaceful sleep. Bliss!

And so Christmas came and went. The delight of seeing the little children open their presents was all too brief and the darkness of the soul soon returned.
All I want is a quiet life, surrounded by the love I crave and undisturbed by the realities of the outside world.
Christmas is a time of giving, sharing and taking but it is all so shallow. Not for me the innocence of an uncorrupted child. No sir.

But I feel the end coming like a goods train down the tracks. First the vibration on the line, then the sound of the engine as it slowly approaches. And how long before the destination is reached. How long before welcome oblivion?