Rainy Daze - December 2000
It's been a long month and the seasonal climate only adds
to the feeling of helplessness that is coursing through my
veins at the moment. Whilst there has been an evenness of
mood it appears to have levelled out at a particularly low
base. Sensitivity comes with the blues and also a shortening
of temper as the wounded animal bites back.
But any emotion is better than the numbness that has prevailed
of late. Treading water can be one way of describing it. A
total emotional numbness that is just as bad as a raging depression,
especially when the warm, loving human being that inside of
me can see what is happening but is powerless to do anything
about it. Is this what a paraplegic feels about the body they
live within? I doubt it very much but it is a thought.
Things continue to happen around me that I should be involved
in but I just let it go. Too much hassle, too little interest.
No doubt life will unravel as it should and in the vast scheme
of things human beings are so trivial.
Even as I sit here, logically writing my thoughts down, I
still feel so terribly lost and alone. Desolate like an oasis
in a desert, like a storm-tossed ship in a vast ocean. Isolation.
The UK band Joy Division had a great song called Isolation.
If you get chance give it a whirl and listen to the lyrics.
Didn't their lead singer, Ian Curtis, hang himself? Oh for
And if you are reading this Mr H please, no comments. Negativity
will pass and numbness will return. Have no fear.
I seem to have upset a few people this month through words
or deeds that have been said/done with the best of interests
at heart. If any of you people are reading this then I do
apologize but I didn't mean to hurt. And by hurting you I
have only served to hurt myself. What you sow you reap! How
I sometimes try to think of positive thing to try to combat
the depression but I can honestly say that, in my frame of
mind, I cannot think of one positive thing. It is a terrible
thing to have to say but it is true. Nothing. No aims, ambitions,
wishes, dreams - well you get the picture I think. Nothing
to look forward to but death itself. One long peaceful sleep.
And so Christmas came and went. The delight of seeing the
little children open their presents was all too brief and
the darkness of the soul soon returned.
All I want is a quiet life, surrounded by the love I crave
and undisturbed by the realities of the outside world.
Christmas is a time of giving, sharing and taking but it is
all so shallow. Not for me the innocence of an uncorrupted
child. No sir.
But I feel the end coming like a goods train down the tracks. First
the vibration on the line, then the sound of the engine as it slowly
approaches. And how long before the destination is reached. How
long before welcome oblivion?