Cerebral Occupation - Spring 2000.

As things go life has not been too bad of late. I have a new position at work and it has helped keep my mind occupied.

There are still times of darkness but I can see a light flickering in the distance. I have established some new relationships at work that seem to have eased a little of the tension that I felt when I was amidst my colleagues.

I try to look on the positive side of things but I still seem to be an outsider interrupting other people's lives. How can I fit in when I want to retain my individuality and sense of propriety?

I guess I never will and that is something I will have to come to terms with.

As I write this text and then read it back I see that it is all I, I, I! That is how the mind of a depressive works. One feels that one is at odds with the world and then feel guilty for it afterwards - and then feel guilty for feeling guilty. Catch 22!!

Inside this shell that we call a body is a deep well full of liquid emotion. It is a solution of pure love, creativity and awareness of the beauty that surrounds us.
Unfortunately the well is very rarely tapped and quite often the liquid becomes stagnant.
Who is there to drink at my well? I would like to think that it is the people who are close to me in life but I do get the feeling that they just drink to sustain life and not to appreciate the flavour.

Am I making sense?

There is more to life than just fulfilling the basic needs that society has created. There is more than just food, shelter, warmth and procreation.

Yet the majority just follow the guidelines that have been there since we were cavemen. Eat, drink, warmth, sex.

No time to savour the taste of the food or look deep into the flames of the fire and dream.
No time to touch a partners soft skin and wonder at the beauty that lies within and without. Not how sexy they look or how long their legs are but closer, deeper.

It's hard to describe I suppose.

How sweet it would be to gaze upon a windswept hill and turn to someone and say " Can you see the beauty of the wind rippling the grass and blowing the leaves. Can you hear the sound of the wind rustling through the branches of yonder tree?" or perhaps share, silently, the sound of waves washing up on a seashore.

Every second is an opportunity to taste the moment and if you are lucky enough to share it with another epicure then you are one of the luckiest sentient beings on this planet!