Far From The Madding Crowd - December 2002
It’s late December. Christmas is just round the
corner. Ho, bloody, ho! Where is my Christmas spirit? In my stomach
of course, being chased by my Christmas beer.
I went to see my psychiatrist last week and he has prescribed
Resperidone again to help me with my temper.
Seems like those around me had noticed that my fuse was rather short
and had pointed it out to me.
Even the local newsagent got a verbal lashing the other day. I pulled
up in front of his shop and got out of the car. He was standing
outside with his wife and asked me if I would move my car because
I was blocking his driveway and he wanted to get his car out. I
asked him to repeat his request and he did.
My reply was rather short and to the point. I told him that I didn’t
give a rat’s ass whose drive it was, a little courtesy wouldn’t
go amiss, especially the use of the word “please”.
Was it too much to ask for politeness? When I am in
his shop I ask for items and always say please and thank you. In
retrospect I felt guilty about my reaction. I didn’t think
he deserved a tongue lashing, especially as there were members of
the public stood nearby.
The point is that I wouldn’t normally let incidents like this
get to me, as a matter of fact I am so afraid of interacting with
anyone I don’t know very well, so why have I become short
tempered over the last few weeks? Perhaps I was reacting to the
fact that someone I hardly knew was addressing me.
I am afraid of being in public places alone. I find
it almost impossible to be out and about on my own because of the
fear that someone, even a friend (if I have any left) will approach
me and try to make contact. Irrational but true.
I am the same with the telephone. I hate telephones, especially
when they ring. Every time I hear the phone ring I tremble with
fright. I put this down to the fact that at one time in my professional
career I was in a responsible position and every call was a potential
problem that needed to be solved. It seems logical to me that if
it happens often enough then it becomes a knee-jerk reaction.
The depression I am undergoing only serves to highlight
and accentuate the negative side of any given situation. The only
way I can alleviate this condition is by letting someone else answer
the phone or have someone who is close to me accompanying me whenever
I have to go out in to the big, wide world. In effect I have created
a buffer around myself, a "space" that I will not allow
anyone to encroach upon.
In the past this "space" has been violated by several
people and I have reacted by getting angry or, in extreme cases,
resorting to physical violence. I am not proud of this fact and
I am sure that I am the one who gets hurt the most when it happens.
I also have to live with my conscience too, no small task!
I have also agreed with my counsellor, Dee, to return
to 0ne-to-one counselling as the small group sessions that I had
been attending was not giving me the outlet that I needed to express
myself openly. Believe me when I say that the one-to-one sessions
are quite painful as it acts as a floodlight on the dark recesses
of my troubled mind. Painful thoughts, memories and actions are
brought into the open and I have to face them. As I leave each session
I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my mind. Unfortunately
the counselling cannot seem to help me exorcise those dark thoughts
and memories. It does help me gain a temporary respite from the
turmoil that is my thought processes though, acting as a kind of
safety valve which stops me from taking extreme action when things
are getting on top of me. Thank you Dee!
So we are nearly in to a new year. What will this one
bring. My wish will be for peace, health, wealth and happiness for
those who are near and dear to me because, after what they have
been through this past year, they need some reward.
See you next year - maybe...................................................