Far From The Madding Crowd - December 2002

It’s late December. Christmas is just round the corner. Ho, bloody, ho! Where is my Christmas spirit? In my stomach of course, being chased by my Christmas beer.

I went to see my psychiatrist last week and he has prescribed Resperidone again to help me with my temper.
Seems like those around me had noticed that my fuse was rather short and had pointed it out to me.
Even the local newsagent got a verbal lashing the other day. I pulled up in front of his shop and got out of the car. He was standing outside with his wife and asked me if I would move my car because I was blocking his driveway and he wanted to get his car out. I asked him to repeat his request and he did.
My reply was rather short and to the point. I told him that I didn’t give a rat’s ass whose drive it was, a little courtesy wouldn’t go amiss, especially the use of the word “please”.

Was it too much to ask for politeness? When I am in his shop I ask for items and always say please and thank you. In retrospect I felt guilty about my reaction. I didn’t think he deserved a tongue lashing, especially as there were members of the public stood nearby.
The point is that I wouldn’t normally let incidents like this get to me, as a matter of fact I am so afraid of interacting with anyone I don’t know very well, so why have I become short tempered over the last few weeks? Perhaps I was reacting to the fact that someone I hardly knew was addressing me.

I am afraid of being in public places alone. I find it almost impossible to be out and about on my own because of the fear that someone, even a friend (if I have any left) will approach me and try to make contact. Irrational but true.
I am the same with the telephone. I hate telephones, especially when they ring. Every time I hear the phone ring I tremble with fright. I put this down to the fact that at one time in my professional career I was in a responsible position and every call was a potential problem that needed to be solved. It seems logical to me that if it happens often enough then it becomes a knee-jerk reaction.

The depression I am undergoing only serves to highlight and accentuate the negative side of any given situation. The only way I can alleviate this condition is by letting someone else answer the phone or have someone who is close to me accompanying me whenever I have to go out in to the big, wide world. In effect I have created a buffer around myself, a "space" that I will not allow anyone to encroach upon.
In the past this "space" has been violated by several people and I have reacted by getting angry or, in extreme cases, resorting to physical violence. I am not proud of this fact and I am sure that I am the one who gets hurt the most when it happens. I also have to live with my conscience too, no small task!

I have also agreed with my counsellor, Dee, to return to 0ne-to-one counselling as the small group sessions that I had been attending was not giving me the outlet that I needed to express myself openly. Believe me when I say that the one-to-one sessions are quite painful as it acts as a floodlight on the dark recesses of my troubled mind. Painful thoughts, memories and actions are brought into the open and I have to face them. As I leave each session I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my mind. Unfortunately the counselling cannot seem to help me exorcise those dark thoughts and memories. It does help me gain a temporary respite from the turmoil that is my thought processes though, acting as a kind of safety valve which stops me from taking extreme action when things are getting on top of me. Thank you Dee!

So we are nearly in to a new year. What will this one bring. My wish will be for peace, health, wealth and happiness for those who are near and dear to me because, after what they have been through this past year, they need some reward.

See you next year - maybe...................................................