Physical Degeneration - Spring 2005

Inactivity, indolence, lack of motivation, sheer laziness, whatever title one gives to it the fact is that depression can leave one acting as a bystander as time slips by. Damn! Listen to me, negative as always. Mind you, if I didn't talk about the negatives these pages would be about the joys of life and the bright rays of sunshine that pierce the darkness.
Back to the inactivity.
Being a passenger through this ride of my life has led to physical degeneration - and it's getting worse. All the usual symptoms are there. Muscle wastage, shortness of breath (it doesn't help when I smoke like the proverbial chimney), dizziness after exertions, etc, etc. To add to all of this I am told by the medical experts that I am diabetic and that I have too much cholesterol in my blood. My doctor even told me that I stood a 30% chance of suffering a heart attack within the next 10 years if I didn't change my lifestyle. This was reduced to 20% after I was given medication to reduce the cholesterol.

So what does this all mean to me and my mental state. Not a lot really. When I stated earlier that I was a passenger through life I meant it. The only certainty in life is death. Bring it on!
Actually (and I may have mentioned this before) I am grateful to have something happening to me physically as depression is invisible and I often feel that I am a fraud as there are no tangible symptoms to which I can add a tag.

Felt really down a couple of weeks ago and stopped eating for a few days, three to be precise. The only thing that passed my lips was coffee, gallons of it. It was quite interesting on the third day when, every time I exerted myself, I felt dizzy and had to grab on to something to steady the ship. I didn't notice much difference in my physical appearance although I could fold my not inconsiderable stomach in on itself.
The pangs of hunger were minimal to say the least. Perhaps I could have carried on fasting indefinitely but I was causing concern to other people so I stopped and took in some food.

I have been trying to self-help again, this time via a book called Overcoming Depression by Paul Gilbert (Published by Robinson ISBN 1-84119-125-6) It is a book that is designed to be a self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques (CBT).
My opinion is that it was quite helpful in identifying the symptoms of depression and assisting in contemplation of those symptoms but as an aid to helping oneself out of the darkness it really served no purpose. Basically I had no interest or desire to write down things such as triggering events, feelings or images, beliefs and key thoughts, alternative challenges to negative thoughts or degrees of feeling change. Someone once told me that a good way to combat depressive thoughts was to think of two positives every time a negative appears. Easy to say but almost impossible to action. Perhaps CBT is more effective if one is guided through the exercises by a mentor or fellow depression sufferer?

The difficulty is finding the strength of conviction to find something positive to look forwards to. There are two ares of positive thinking that I can think of right here and now and these are my children and my grandchildren. When I think of them I get a rush of positive thoughts for a few brief seconds. Then the negatives come rushing in no matter how hard I try to force them away. My son is brain damaged and will need help for the rest of his life. My daughter suffers from panic attacks and I'm not sure whether this is something hereditary that I have passed on to her. My grandchildren are unwell quite often and I often think about the bad things that could happen to them. These are frightening thoughts that have no happy alternatives. Anyone who has children will be aware of these negative thoughts, some of the time we even pass on our fears directly to our offspring e.g. "watch the road", "don't talk to strangers", etc, etc.

I have another CBT self-help book to go through when I can find the energy. This one is called Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky (Published by The Guilford Press ISBN 0-89862-128-3). This book proclaims that you can "change how you feel by changing the way you think" and boldly proclaims that there are over 350,000 copies in print. It was recommended to me by my counsellor.
Forgive my ignorance but isn't a mood actually the same thing as what one is thinking at the time?

One other major problem with self-help therapy is having the ability to remember what the tutelage is hoping to achieve. Personally I cannot remember most of what I have read by the next day. Even fiction is difficult for me to follow these days as I cannot remember the plot. I often have to refresh my memory by skimming through the previous pages to pick up the plot again. It's worse when there are a proliferation of names and places (I have been totally baffled by Tolkein's, The Silmarillion and most books by Alexander Sholzenitsyn (spelling?). Too many names and places.

I have been contacted by several people over the last few months who have expressed their empathy and understanding of what depression is really like. Most of those people have been sufferers themselves and say that they can understand what I say and what I am going through. I would like to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to pass on those feelings. Thank you, you have brightened up the life of this troubled man!