Slowly Sinking- Autumn 2004

I have nothing left to give to this world and the world has nothing to give to me. There is no originality in my life any more. I feel as if I have been there, seen it and done it all. And now I just live life in a cycle of repeated experiences that are an echo of what has been in the past.

Do you remember the originality of youth? Where there were fresh events that added a certain amount of originality to life? Do you remember the wonder of childhood where new experiences were around every street corner? Now all I get is a sense of déjà vu. I have been here before a thousand times and it has become too familiar a place. I know what to expect and that knowledge comes to me like pieces of a shattered mirror.

My thought processes lack cohesion these days. They also lack sense. How can I survive in this world where my thoughts appear from nowhere and only hang a round for a fraction of a second before they are replaced by more thoughts that are totally unrelated. There must come a time when you have reached saturation point in your mind and new thoughts obliterate the old ones. I guess the same could be said of memories too.

Miguel Ruiz in his book "The Four Agreements - Companion Book" states that "everything that exists is in an eternal transformation. Everything in nature, all of creation, is changing. Creation is happening in the moment. It has no beginning, it has no end; it is ongoing. Energy is always transforming because it is alive."
He goes on to say that "life is the force that makes the transformation of energy possible. The force of Life that opens a flower is the same force that makes us grow older.
Our personal dream, the whole interaction between the dream and the dreamer, is constantly shifting and changing. But in the virtual reality in our mind, we try to stop things from changing. Humans get attached to the dream; we resist the transformation of Life. And this attachment, this resistance, creates pain.
By resisting the transformation of Life, humans create the illusion of death; we suffer from every 'loss' again and again. Humans have a powerful memory and we witness our own dream. In our memory we attach to what is past, we try to bring it back to life, and in the virtual reality we succeed."
How true this is of me. I live a lot of my life remembering what was and not what is. I hate change and try to ignore it.
Ruiz states that the resistance of transformation is a waste of energy, you are fighting against the current instead of flowing with it.

But Ruiz goes on to say that we are just specks of dust in the great scheme of things. He asks "Who are you? What are you? Where is your place in this vast universe? Why do humans suffer over so many small things in life when there is an entire universe of beauty and wonder to behold? When we consider the span of eternity and the entire history of humanity, our life is over in a mere fraction of time. How will we choose to spend it? What will we invest our energy in?"

Fine words from Senor Ruiz but all those questions just make me realize how insignificant I am in the great scheme of things and makes me wonder why I even bother.
I feel that The Four Agreements and The Four Agreements - Companion Book have some very interesting concepts that are thought provoking and may even benefit some people who are fed up with the life they lead and wish to better themselves. I can thoroughly recommend reading them.

For your information the Four Agreements are as follows;
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. WIth just this one agreement you can completely transform your life.
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse and regret.

I was taken off the Olazapine as it was driving my body towards diabetes (I have had blood sugar tests and expect ther results in the next few days). Unfortunately my behavioural changes intensified and I started on a slide down to deep depression again. After consulting my psychiatrist I was prescribed Seroquel (Quetiapine). This is a drug that was originally developed for schizophrenics but has since been found to be useful for people with significant mood swings.

I have yet to notice any benefits from taking this drug although I have been started out on a low dosage (50mg twice a day) and literature that came with the drug state that the maximum daily dose is as high as 750mg.