The Void - July 2003

There is a significant void in my mind and I don't know how to fill it. Or could it be that I have a pool of negativity in my consciousness that needs to be replaced before I can live a 'normal' life again. However I think of it as a void and will use that word in the following dialogue.

I'm down again. I mean deep down, almost at a level which lead to my suicide attempt last year.
WHen I get this down I rely very much on my counsellor, Dee. Dee helps me to see inside my head and acts as a safety valve for the harmful thoughts that become prominent in my everyday existence.

Dee and I have spent a lot of time looking back at my past and also assessing my current life as is. We have come to the conclusion that I am a creative person who has something missing from his life - hence the void. So what is it that is missing?

Being a deep person and something of a creative thinker I sense that I am missing someone who can empathise with me and, at the same time, guide me down the path to enlightenment. Someone who I can share the deeper thoughts with, someone who possesses the depth of emotion that is required to soothe my raging thoughts. There is justt one problem though and that is that such a person may not exist!

I am loved. I know that I am loved. I love in return, try to be considerate, try to be the person that others want me to be, try to conform to the standards of society. But it doesn't seem to be enough to satisfy my soul. Why? I know of people who are happy with their lot despite having to live in the face of adversity. So why can't I? These are very important questions, I feel that my whole future (if I have one) hinges on answering these questions.

I am a man of contrasts - stark contrasts. I love or I hate, I laugh or I cry. No inbetweens in my life. That is why I am unhappy a lot of the time, because I am at the negative extreme, I am hating or I am crying. I don't want to be this way. Please tell me how I can escape? Can anyone help me to be satisfied with my lot? Is there anyone out there who feels emotions of such depth that it comes from the very core of their soul? It really is that deep.

I want to share my life with someone. I want to be able to look at life through empathic eyes, i.e. somone who can see the beauty that surrounds them too. A glowing sunset, a birdsong, a flower, a piece of music, an animal in a field, etc, etc. Almost everything has beauty if we just take the time to look. And to have the ability to actually share that beauty is something that I rarely find. Dee is close. So too is my daughter Claire. But there is still something not quite "right" although I wouldn't change them for the world.

SO where does that leave me? Lonely! No other way to describe it. And fast beoming very disillusioned as familiarity with beautiful objects is obscured by other emotions such as frustration and turmoil. Even the trips up to Scotland are beginning to lose their magic as I see the beauty and have nobody to share it with. So sad....