the days leading up to my breakdown I had handed in my notice to
my employers as I felt that, in my confusion, the job was the major
factor in my deprived state.
I realised that I needed to work so I went back
and tried to withdraw my resignation. Unfortunately my employers
had already decided that I was surplus to their requirements
so I found my self unemployed.
Fortunately I managed to keep any crisis that
may have arisen due to my losing my job, and the good income
that it provided, under control.
Once again I had a lot of time available for introspection
and this sometimes proved hard to bear. I regularly broke
down into tears or thought dark thoughts and took to phoning
the Samaritans. I only resorted to this when my wife was out
at work because these were the loneliest times.
I had lost all self confidence and had become
somewhat paranoid. This manifested itself in a phobia about
answering the phone and meeting people in uncontrolled environments.
This still exists today!
A couple of months after my employment ended
I found myself with a new job, again in retail management
but this time retailing bottled gas. This was a very seasonal
business - hectically busy in winter and dead in summer. It
was in the summer that I had to go out to find new business
and this was another hurdle I found impossible to get over.
Cold calling and the inevitable rejection were not the best
working conditions for a person in my state of mind so. Fate
conspired to rid me of this problem though as I was dismissed
for reasons that I still dispute to this day. However my objections
fell on deaf ears and I found myself unemployed again!
At this time my wife was working in a nightclub
as a cashier and I managed to get a job there although once
again it was supposed to be a temporary situation as I was
not really suited to the task in hand, that of Nightclub Doorman.
However it did have its compensations but they did not outweigh
I stuck with it though, primarily because it
brought in a wage and did not have responsibilities attached
to it. I had finally realised that I could not cope with responsibilities
any more and needed a quiet life to give my mind time to heal.
After a couple of years in that job bad things started
to happen again. Things that nothing could have prepared me for
and once again they took me into the abyss.