The Long And Winding Road.

So what does the future hold?

Things do not look too rosy from my perspective and that statement alone frightens me. Life is a day to day grind that seems to have no future. Indeed if life were a movie I would get up and walk out before the end - it is that bad!

Yet I continue to hold things together. Try to be as good a son, brother, father and husband as I can despite the state I find myself in. It ain't easy but I manage.

Some of the things that I have learned in the therapy I have received over the years helps. I sometimes stop myself from diving into despair by talking myself out of it but there are times when that just doesn't work. And it's getting worse.......................

It is a situation that is so hard to come to terms with. One moment you can be trucking on feeling good and enjoying what you are doing at the time and then, for no reason at all, you just dive into the depths. And it's the contrast between the highs and the lows that is so hard to come to terms with.

The drugs that are given to try to solve this situation do their job reasonably well but they only tend to stop the massive mood swings. That does not mean that you don't sink into a depression again, only that the dive is not as steep. Know what I mean?

Those of you who feel the same way will perhaps identify with this, or perhaps this is a personal thing and other people react differently. Take the time and E-mail me with your thoughts. The link is on the left. Just click it and your mail programme will start up with a new message addressed to me.

Another side effect of depression is the over exaggeration of outward emotions.

I, personally, tend to appear to the outside world as a rather loud, extrovert and this is a false impression created as a mask to hide the pain inside. I also get venomous towards the people around me who can't understand. And it's not an easy personality to live with.

I suppose it could be a form of split personality because on the one side I have the bad tempered extrovert and on the other the conscience ridden, sensitive soul who is guilt ridden at the behaviour of his alter ego. And it always seems to be analysed in retrospect. There's no way of stopping it and then there's no way to stop the unease the actions bring to the surface. Bugger!

So every day you get rather dark thoughts. Thoughts such as; one turn of the steering wheel will be enough or, do we have enough pills in the house or, will the first floor balustrade take my weight. I know these are terrifying thoughts but they are always there. If you've ever had your stomach pumped you will know the despair of failure too.

I think that, luckily, I am too much of a coward to go the same way again. Or perhaps it will only take a catastrophic event in my life to trigger the action? Who knows?

I do know that on a day to day basis I miss stimulating conversation or exchanges of ideas or , indeed, the knowledge that someone really cares about my existence. But when one believes that we are all just fleeting shadows on the backdrop of time it's hard to justify the space I take up.

Whatever, I plod on day by day and ply my trade or create as a hobby and this appears to ease the futility somewhat. I can only take strength from within myself, no one else can give it to me - or can they?