The Long And Winding Road.
So what does the future hold?
do not look too rosy from my perspective and that statement alone
frightens me. Life is a day to day grind that seems to have no future.
Indeed if life were a movie I would get up and walk out before the
end - it is that bad!
Yet I continue to hold things together. Try to
be as good a son, brother, father and husband as I can despite
the state I find myself in. It ain't easy but I manage.
Some of the things that I have learned in the
therapy I have received over the years helps. I sometimes
stop myself from diving into despair by talking myself out
of it but there are times when that just doesn't work. And
it's getting worse.......................
It is a situation that is so hard to come to terms
with. One moment you can be trucking on feeling good and enjoying
what you are doing at the time and then, for no reason at
all, you just dive into the depths. And it's the contrast
between the highs and the lows that is so hard to come to
The drugs that are given to try to solve this
situation do their job reasonably well but they only tend
to stop the massive mood swings. That does not mean that you
don't sink into a depression again, only that the dive is
not as steep. Know what I mean?
Those of you who feel the same way will perhaps identify
with this, or perhaps this is a personal thing and other people
react differently. Take the time and E-mail me with your thoughts.
The link is on the left. Just click it and your mail programme will
start up with a new message addressed to me.
Another side effect of depression is the over
exaggeration of outward emotions.
I, personally, tend to appear to the outside world
as a rather loud, extrovert and this is a false impression
created as a mask to hide the pain inside. I also get venomous
towards the people around me who can't understand. And it's
not an easy personality to live with.
I suppose it could be a form of split personality
because on the one side I have the bad tempered extrovert
and on the other the conscience ridden, sensitive soul who
is guilt ridden at the behaviour of his alter ego. And it
always seems to be analysed in retrospect. There's no way
of stopping it and then there's no way to stop the unease
the actions bring to the surface. Bugger!
So every day you get rather dark thoughts. Thoughts
such as; one turn of the steering wheel will be enough
or, do we have enough pills in the house or, will
the first floor balustrade take my weight. I know these
are terrifying thoughts but they are always there. If you've
ever had your stomach pumped you will know the despair of
I think that, luckily, I am too much of a coward
to go the same way again. Or perhaps it will only take a catastrophic
event in my life to trigger the action? Who knows?
I do know that on a day to day basis I miss stimulating
conversation or exchanges of ideas or , indeed, the knowledge
that someone really cares about my existence. But when one
believes that we are all just fleeting shadows on the backdrop
of time it's hard to justify the space I take up.
Whatever, I plod on day by day and ply my trade or
create as a hobby and this appears to ease the futility somewhat.
I can only take strength from within myself, no one else can give
it to me - or can they?