Treading Water - January 2004

It's been a while since I last wrote anything in this journal - I believe that my last entry was in August 2003.
Summer came and went with plenty of sunshine and warm temperatures. Autumn brought with it the ritual stripping of the trees, the leaves were a magnificent colour this year, and the onset of grey days. Grey days indeed!

Christmas came and went and now we are starting out on a new chapter labelled 2004, a leap year, another extra 24 hours to have to endure. Bummer.

I shouldn't complain really. I have had very few deep troughs over the last four months. Things have been pretty consistent with my moods. In a depression but not too deep.
Life is still sterile. No ups to give me hope. No down's to make me take that final step towards oblivion. Should I be content with this situation?

I stare out of the windows a lot. In the summer and autumn I could look at the leaves on the trees. I could see patterns and images emerging from the randomness of the leaves' growth. But now it's winter I only have branches to look at. I don't like winter, it is so barren and colourless.
One thing I have noticed though is the resident wildlife that seem to have made the trees their home. There is a grey squirrel that often comes to perch on the tree and survey its domain. I have noticed that it has a habit of shaking its tail when it is sat watching the world go by.
Also resident in the trees are a magpie and a pair of doves. How will they all fare when the bad weather comes?

The first snow of the season fell on New Year's Eve. I love watching snow fall, especially at night when the flurries partially obscure the outside light. It forms a white blanket that is so pure and pristine. Makes the garden look like everybody else's too! Something positive at last.
Unfortunately the snow was followed by rain and the next day there was very little evidence that we had actually had snow.

Due to conditions outside of my control and the recent holidays I haven't seen my counsellor, Dee, for a while and the pressure is starting to build up again. My visits to see Dee offer me the opportunity to offload my negative vibes and also often give me a new subject to focus on when we get into discussions about various aspects of my condition. Unfortunately my mental weakness means that the focus is lost all too quickly. Good job the appointments are on a regular basis!

I have a couple of major happenings coming up in the not too distant future. The first is the marriage of my daughter Claire to her fiancee Graeme in February. This is a momentous occasion in my life (not to mention hers) and I am hoping that things go smoothly on my part. Silly me, what could go wrong? Well I could go wrong. Don't ask me how but I just worry that I won't be at my best for this auspicious occasion. All that matters is that my daughter has the day of her life. Please let it be so!

In March my son is fulfilling one of his wildest dreams by going to see Wrestlemania in New York in March. He is fanatical about American wrestling and is so excited about the trip. I will be accompanying him on the visit and, once again, hope that everything goes to plan when the time comes.

Two events that are of paramount importance to the central figures. Will I do them justice? We will have to wait and see....