This is the news From N.B.C
Good evening …News Just in.
British Airways May Go Back to Drawing Board on Aircraft Safety.
It has been reported tonight that a Mr N. from Netherton has given B.A. serious reasons for rethinking aircraft safety.
Mr N. is said to be a reasonably normal, panicked person, terrified of flying in aircraft.
Whilst taking a trip abroad recently he boarded the plane and took the best seat he could. A gentleman approached him and said that he was sitting in a reserved seat but Mr R refused to move, quoting the first come – first served rule. After careful consideration the gentleman turned to Mr N and said “Wel you fly the plane then!”
At this Mr N decided that discretion was the better part of valour and found a seat at the back of the plane. His reasoning this time being that it must be the safest part of the aircraft as he had never heard of planes reversing into mountains.
In due course, after making himself comfortable, he listened to the safety talk whilst quivering and reading the on-flight magazine when he decided to approach the cabin crew with his questions and observations.
The first was to do with if cabin pressure was to leave the aircraft. It is quoted “in the unlikely event of losing cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the compartment above your head. Pull hard on cable to start flow of air put over nose and mouth and breath normally.
It should be pointed out here that witnesses had allegedly stated that Mr N. had been drinking surgical alcohol before embarking.
Mr N. is said to have stood up and been quoted as saying “BULLSHIT, IF THIS THING LOSES CABIN PRESSURE I AM NOT GONNA BE BREATHING NORMAL OK! IM GONNA BE HYPERVENTILATING FOR GODS SAKE! THAT’S WHAT THE SICK BAGS ARE FOR REALLY EVERYBODY”!
Mr N. is said to have received a good old slap from the stewardess and told to shut up as he was upsetting the other passengers.
The second problem was Mr N. had noticed that when the stewardess was showing the exits were, she used a great deal of metaphoric emphasis on herself.
Mr N. stood up at this point “DON’T LISTEN TO HER! DID YOU WATCH HER HAND MOVEMENTS? SHE’S NOT SHOWING US THE EXITS, SHE’S BASICALLY SAYING WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN HER ASS IS OUT THAT DOOR LONG BEFORE OURS!
As Mr. N. was removed from the aeroplane it is reported that he had his final say: -
“YOUR ALL DOOMED!
Mr N. is resting at home and B.A. have responded to his comments simply saying “its our opinion that flight safety is at the utmost of our minds, Mr N’s comments have been looked at”
We can now go live to a spokesman!
“We have studied the evidence, and found in the safety of passengers Mr N. will never fly out of England again, on any form of aircraft. The only danger is Mr N. himself.”
Thank you, that was the news.