LOVE
June 2011
Love is acceptance of someone no matter who they are inside and out and caring for and protecting them when needed.
Love is nurturing the person they are and supporting the person they want to be.
Love is always and I’ll always love you!
For Ashley, my brother.
All my love Claire xxx
Valium Dreams
June 2011
Just when you think you’re getting back on your feet
And the world is making sense
When you think it all seems clearer now
That real life can recommence
Along comes a unicorn sauntering past
To remind you it’s all just a dream
That reality is really a long way off
That’s when you can scream
You wake up to a reality
Where the colour has all drained away
Where beauty and wonder and happiness
Has all been turned to grey
Where even the things you once enjoyed
Seem pointless and lifeless at best
Where every breath catches in your throat
And your heart is ripped from your chest
Then suddenly the clouds clear
And a ray of such shines through
Smiling with its sunglasses on
He holds out his hand to you
And your drug addled dreams can continue
You can fly and float to your goal
Of escapism an alternate reality
The saviour of your soul.
By Claire Wilde
Absence
June 2011
You hurt her every time you speak
She misses you like crazy
You make excuses all the time
But I just think you’re lazy
She falls asleep her phone in hand
Just waiting for your call
But you forget to ring her back
I hear her tears through the wall
I comfort her as any mother would
Hold her, stroke her hair
Try to take away the hurt
The thoughts that you don’t care
But one day she’ll wake up to you
See through all your lies
Your lack of effort, lack of thought
Will eventually open her eyes
She’s a wonderful, beautiful person
An angel who brought love to my world
What do you see, what do you feel
While she has her heart unfurled
I’m afraid she’s going to wake one day
Tired of all the drama
Decide she wants a quieter life
Something much more calmer
Just realise I’ve tried my best
I even started to trust you
But I won’t make that mistake again
There’s no more I can do
So you need to start to put her first
Listen to what she needs
Because children need love and attention
Start with that and we’ll see where it leads!
By Claire Wilde
SELFISH
November 2010
I feel so empty, feel so weak,
Lonely and guilty about the havoc I wreak,
Lives are made so complicated by the way I behave,
I don’t want my husband to feel like my slave,
Can’t handle the guilt I make my dad feel,
I just want my brain to calm down and heal,
I don’t want the pity I see in people’s eyes,
Or be lying in wait for the next nasty surprise,
I’m tired of being scared of what other people see,
I just want to get back to being the real me,
Full of confidence, happiness, confidence in life,
Being a good daughter, being a good wife,
Fighting is hard and sometimes you may struggle,
So many feelings, emotions to juggle,
But I live in hope that one day life will alter
My strength and determination will not falter,
One day I’ll be selfish and think about me,
Till death do us part, then my mind will set me free.
By Claire Wilde
UNTITLED
July 2010
Finally finding my niche in life
Where I want to be
Panic subsided and falling still
I’m allowing myself to be free
I’ve survived through this nightmare
This latest twist, that my life has decided to take
It built up and up and finally my brain
Decided to put on the brake
So I’ve put on my gloves and fought fast and hard
To take each breath slowly and strong
I came to the realisation that maybe
To struggle alone was just wrong
And now I’ve got help
Yeah, through drugs and a shrink
But my life fell straighter and right
I’m tired of fighting to see no end
I’ve finally seen the light
So don’t suffer alone
Be strong and not weak, ask for the help you need
To break the cycle of panic that’s gripping your life
And trust me you WILL succeed.
Claire Wilde
DEMONS
October 2009
A life living with my demons
Where do I begin
A life fraught with anxiety
But not without sin
I don’t profess to be an innocent
My anger knows no bounds
Sometimes I explode with fear
Hide from all the sounds
The noise that comes with guilt
The voices left behind
I sit and beg forgiveness
Try to press rewind
Sometimes the demons punish me
As I try to get away
Now I’m riddled with panic
So I never can stray
Forever beholden to the loop
An infinite circle of pain
Where life stops going forward
And I’ll never be free again
And no matter how hard I fight these feelings
I’ll never see a carefree day
Maybe that’s why the demons lock me up
A kindness to the world in a way.
By Claire Wilde
I WANT TO BREAK FREE
October 2009
Invisible bonds are holding me tight
Keep pulling me back, won’t let go
If they’re straining they’re threatening my safety
Goading me with a life of woe
But I have to break the bonds eventually
Sever the ties and be free
It’s frightening and exciting all at once
That I might be allowed to be me
To live a life full of happiness
Adventures and fun all around
Laughing and loving and living
Not hiding and fleeing from colour and sound
I’ll break my bonds one day soon
Fight till I can fight no more
The unknown is just another adventure
I’ll bring the real me to the fore.
By Claire Wilde
LETTER TO HEAVEN
October 2009
Dear Mum,
You’ve been gone for quite some time now
And I still wake up each day
Wondering what kind of person
You would have been today
Would you be older and wiser?
Would your beliefs have ever changed?
Would you have been proud of us children?
Would you think I was deranged?
I broke down after you died
Had to claw my way back to the now
Frightened of being alone in this world
Frightened of fall outs and rows
But I think you’d be proud I’m determined
Never let my life just stop
Fought for my family and sometimes against
Though I’m still an emotional mop
And my brother has found independence
Makes his own choices in his life
He finally has his freedom
And has even found a wife
He’s grown to become a fine young man
With a heart as big as his feet!!!
Thoughtful, kind-hearted and friendly
Good-natured, lovely and sweet
And I’d like to think dad’s found some happiness
Though he’ll never be on cloud nine
He’s helped us through all of our troubles
Even if we don’t see eye to eye all the time
So we may not be the Brady bunch
All happy all the time we’re together
But be happy and at peace just to know that we’ll be
A family whatever we have to weather.
By Claire Wilde
Fighting Fear
May 2009
So much panic, so much pain
When will I live my life again?
Disappointment every day
When will this feeling go away?
I carry on in constant fear
Ball my fists in anger, nothing’s clear
I see no way out, no silver lining
Even I’m fed up with my constant whining
‘I don’t feel well’ or ‘I feel sick’
When something good happens it feels like a trick
A long time ago life was sublime
Now it’s a struggle, a mountain to climb
And I’m scared I’ll never reach the top
Or I’m on a cliff edge and I’m ready to drop
Into a sea of unknown dangers
Led to the edge by complete strangers
Maybe one day somone will save me
Give me the strength to be happy and free
But for now I feel hopeless and useless and sad
A little bit crazy, a little bit mad
Cocooned in my own little self contained place
But I’m ready to fight to win the race.
By Claire Wilde
MEMORIES
November 2008
Memories are so important
Like bubbles of happiness
When you’re feeling sad
A memory floats like a bubble
Into the conscious mind
A fragment of the past
Some memories are happy
Sent to make you smile
Some memories are sad
Sent to relieve a heavy heart
And eyes full of tears
Some memories are confusing
Broken and not all there
But bring two people together
And the jigsaw pieces make a full picture, one to share
Memories are prescious
Sometimes lost and sometimes found
Ever present somewhere
Always so profound.
By Claire Wilde
BACK TO MYSELF
November 2008
The day always seems to start badly
Sometimes I’m gasping for breath
Struggling to hold on to reality
Fixating on darkness and death
But as the day wears on I feel confidence
Building up inside
I’m forever reaching for freedom
Even when trying to hide
I’m embarrassed and feel so lonely
Though surrounded by people who care
Not one of them truly understands
The hell that drives my despair
And yes it’s easy to hide away
To never face the day
But I don’t, I fight with every breath
So one day I can say
I’m finally free of this madness
That has taken over my life
One day I’ll make everyone happy
Be the perfect mother and wife
But for now all I need is patience
Which mine sometimes wears thin
I’m a fighter though, and I’ll carry on
So one day I’ll fit back in.
By Claire Wilde
ALL I CAN BE
July 2008
I’ve made it after all these years
Made some sense of my life
Worked hard every step of the way
Battled through the strife
Life’s been an uphill struggle
With sadness at every turn
But I’ve used all the sorrow and heartache
To reach my goal, to help me learn
I’ve done things I’m not proud of
But thank God they came good
I’ve struggled to cope, sometimes struggled to see
The miracles that I should
Like the miracle of life
Easy given and easy lost
So fragile and precious and beautiful too
Abused at what cost?
And the wonder of love that surrounds me
That should help me to be free
But sometimes stops me doing things
Stops me being me
But for now I’ve won one battle
And it feels bloody good
So I’ll toast my latest achievement
Like any victor would.
By Claire Wilde
MOTHERS PRIDE
July 2008
She would have been so proud of me
She saw the woman I could be
Saw potential in my eyes
Had no need to criticise
Watched me work and watched me rest
At my worst and at my best
Held my hand and urged me on
When I was right, when I was wrong
Then she left and I was alone
Worked my fingers to the bone
To show her I could achieve
Make her proud of who I could be
And now I’ve done it, I feel a calm
Like she’s holding me in her arms
And telling me ‘I told you so’
I’ll never let that feeling go.
By Claire Wilde
TOO SOON TO SAY GOODBYE
March 2008
The world has ended
For a brief second of my life
I’ve stopped breathing
I’m staring at the light
Then I come rushing back
Air fills my lungs at last
Terror turns to pure relief
I’m coming back fast
What happened to my consciousness?
What happened to the pain?
I’ve come back to the here and now
Though echoes of the past remain
I know I suffered greatly
Before this epiphany occurred
I lived my life sedately
The outside world was blurred
But now I long for freedom
A normal life at last
I won’t be scared of what may come
Of what’s already passed
I’ll walk among the living
Hold my head up high
Till one day, finally, the light will return
And I have to say goodbye.
By Claire Wilde
AUTUMN
(February 2008)
Autumn leaves swirl cyclonic to the floor
The chatter of birds reaches my ears no more
Vivid brown and red hues fill my vision
Animals hibernate in coalition
The temperature drops as winter draws near
While the clouds seem to weep a torrent of tears
Night falls sooner and a new school term starts
Birds migrate to warmer parts
And the promise of Christmas is just out of reach
Along with mince pies, mistletoe and the queens speech
So as we leave summer and salads and sun
We dance with the leaves now that autumn’s begun.
By Claire Wilde
WATCH OVER ME
(September 2007)
My angel are you watching us
Whilst sitting on your cloud
Dropping pearls of wisdom
Which we catch to make you proud
Are you listening when we talk to you
Mopping up our tears
Laughing at our anecdotes
The tales from through the years
Are you whispering your love for us
So we don’t feel alone
My angel are you watching us
From in the twilight zone
By Claire Wilde
Curiosity
(August 2007)
Curiouser and curiouser
I wish I could see in your head
I’m eager to travel where
Others fear to tread
From the outside you’re a simple man
No special wants or needs
An intelligent and well read man
A man easy to please
Then inside there’s a sad man
Overflowing with pain
Who’s fed up of the darkness
It’s driving him insane
Curiouser and curiouser
I wish I could understand
Kill the pain, stab the dark
Depression be damned
I vow to help you fight this thing
I want to see you smile
It may seem impossible, it probably is
But I’ll be there every step of the trial.
By Claire Wilde
GUARDIAN ANGEL
(August 2007)
Wrap me in your angel wings
Protect me from this cruel world
I hide away from evil things
Their blackened nails all curled
They reach for me, fingers like tree branches,
Gnarled and bent out of shape
They touch my skin, caress my cheek
Hold me trance-like, won’t let me escape
The soft beating of your heart brings me round
Refuses to let me go
Till I realise it’s my heart not yours that beats
And I’m swallowed up by woe
And the creatures that want to take me
Reach out once more with glee
But I promise I won’t let them take me
I’ll let my emotions free
I won’t be another statistic
I’m a survivor and I’ll fight to the end
I’ll keep my tears from drowning me
Allow my mind to mend
But I’ll never forget you my angel
My sanity won’t let you go
You’ll light up my darkness forever
Guard me from the evil below.
By Claire Wilde
